15 Harsh Reality Checks for Domestic Violence Victims & Survivors (by a Survivor)

Disclaimer: No one grows up with a goal of becoming a domestic violence victim or survivor. That, of course, doesn’t mean that what we experienced during childhood, both nature and nurture, which may lead us into relationships with one (or more) people who act just like “those people” from our childhood who took advantage of and abused us in some way.

Domestic violence doesn’t know gender. It doesn’t know sexuality or asexuality. It doesn’t give a single flying fuck about how anyone identifies. And domestic violence knows no economic bracket.

I’m a woman. I can only write from my perspective. So, if you identify in a way not mentioned, it’s not personal. Take the reality checks and impose them in a way that applies to you.

Here are 15 reality checks you should know. The better you understand both these reality checks and your need to leave and/or stay out, the easier it may be to keep your information private and help keep you safe.

If you’re in a violent relationship with anyone, including a parent or grandparent or another adult who lives with you, this piece is just as helpful for you. Domestic means those sharing a home. If you don’t live with the abuser, count your blessings. Use my life experience for your benefit.

You’ll Never Feel Dumber Than When You Decide to Leave

It’s common to feel…well, I felt dumb…when the situation is ending. Why didn’t I end it? Why wasn’t it sooner? Frankly, I was glad he left. I wanted to try to work it out at first until the now 23-year-old was 18. I had it drilled into me by a church that abandoned me and family that I had to stay in the relationship. The more hindsight I get, I realize that I was an uneducated young woman in her early 20s. And I made some dumb decisions. I left twice before and went back because I felt I had no choice. WE ALL FEEL THAT WAY. But it’s not true. You’re not dumb. I’m not dumb. We just don’t understand these things until we go through it. So, it’s a learning process. Ven looking back, it’s best to be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself the way you’d treat your favorite person.

When You Leave, You Statistically Face the Most Risk

One of the hardest things about getting away from the abuser is the harshest of all realities: you face the most danger when you or your abuser leave. If they think you’re not coming back, they put another notch into the crazy belt.

Make sure you do not check in on social media, change your tag settings, and never post anything online, even venting, that you wouldn’t want a judge to read or see. It is your responsibility to cull your friends and followers list. I tell you the blunt reality: most of them will be a “but so and so is so talented and kind…I don’t believe you!” Keep in mind that abusers need those people to hold up their fake reputation. Even Ted Bundy was almost a stepdad. I’ll say this again later, keep your private vents off social media. It’s okay to share memes and similar other items. You do not want to get into an online war with the abuser let alone their cronies. And, yes, you’ll end up surprised about who abandons you.

Create and follow a safety plan. You can make safety calls to a trusted friend. Do it when you leave your home, when you get to where you’re going, and back again.

Install an emergency app such as Aspire. You can then call for help silently through a text. There are other apps out there with more features, such as video sharing. I opted for something simple.

You Could Lose Your Job

Now that’s scary. You could lose your entire livelihood, depending on the laws in your state and how understanding your employer is. I know that my state, Oklahoma, doesn’t protect victims or survivors from job loss if the abuser begins to cause trouble at your job.

Over a decade ago, I taught undergrad classes for a technical college’s paralegal program. The ink was barely dry on the victim’s protection order (VPO/PO) against my former spouse when calls began coming into the Director of Education’s office. Silly because he was an attorney. I had to prove to him and the entire legal department (in another state) that my PO was valid and that I shouldn’t be fired because of all the disruption. This was a very scary time for me because I was working two jobs since paying me as an instructor didn’t quite cover my basic expenses. I wasn’t remarried at this time yet. I was engaged to marriage. (Still married to my sweet husband now!) To this day I swear that the only way I saved my job wasn’t the VPO and its evidence, it was that my contract didn’t hold a morality clause…because, apparently, how dare I moonlight as an author and editor for a sex ed website! At the time, everything on that site was rated R or below. My job was to edit articles and keep up with the online dictionary.

Check out this list by Legal Momentum to learn more about what the laws are in your state. Also, keep in mind that this list may need to be updated. Always do what you can to stay on top of domestic violence laws. You may even want to get in touch with your local rep and start changing laws. I am proud to have done so in 2023 with my rep, Mickey Dollens.

You Could End Up Involved with CPS

If you have children, you could end up involved with CPS. This could happen for a couple of reasons. If your children are or were exposed to DV, you may have to engage in a safety plan. If you have a vindictive abuser, they may call CPS. You just don’t know until it happens. If CPS shows up, don’t be hostile but also recognize that they could assert a certain amount of power over your situation. Work with them to establish better parenting skills. You can break chains or binds or curses just from changing to #TeamYouAndKids. Imagine knowing in the future that you broke a cycle even though it was hard to do.

You Need to Know and Exercise Your Rights

In general, you should know your legal rights. However, as a victim or survivor, you must understand your rights when it comes to work and housing. While not all states protect your job even if you miss work because of domestic violence, there may be a sick leave or personal leave policy to make it less expensive. And housing. Housing is important.

Look up “domestic violence and housing laws for [state]” as you may find out that you cannot be evicted or that there are other important legal rights such as breaking a lease if necessary but without consequences.

Resources Aren’t for People Who “Have It Worse” Than You

It’s not a competition. Domestic violence resources are for anyone experiencing abuse within a household. You’ll find shelters, free counseling, job help, safety planning, court advocacy, and more. Understand that if you think it needs to be worse before you get help, ask yourself what would you say or do if it were your favorite person on this mud ball? Would you tell them to use resources? Of course, you would…and you’d probably research all their options for help.

If you don’t know how to get started, you can start with the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can also use Google to find domestic violence resources in [city or state].

Rock or Gray Wall Are Your Potential Best Friends

I know that the real American Dream is one nice, happy family. One way you can begin to heal is to stop engaging. I don’t mean don’t go to court or don’t involve proper authorities if warranted. I am saying don’t talk to them unless you absolutely must.

Go gray rock with them. This means you don’t communicate at all…I would advise that you first tell them to leave you alone. After that, become a rock. Rocks don’t respond. Another version of this is gray wall. If you have children together, you’ll need to communicate about that. Just remember the relationship is that of a co-parent, even if the other person sucks at co-parenting. If you’re in family court determining visitation, ask the court if you can use Our Family Wizard or a similar app so that the court and its officers have direct access to all the messages sent.

A couple of quick caveats, abusers hate being ignored. Prepare to block or mute their messaging accounts. You’ll also find out who your real friends are.

Know Thy Location Trackers

It’s all the rage these days to use location trackers. Hey, I used one when my oldest was only about 11 and had his first cell phone. A parent tracking a child is one thing…except when an abuser twists it and uses it to advance their potential agenda because it also tracks you.

If you are sharing your location purposefully with anyone, do a gut check. And if it’s someone you muted or blocked on social, take away the location sharing from them.

When I was in this situation, I used to love to check in to places via social media. And I was ticked when the advice I got was, “Just leave social media.” We shouldn’t have to do that. Instead of checking in when I arrive somewhere, I do it after I’ve left.

Keep in mind that your Google Maps also tracks you. Check your settings and take away sharing if necessary. The same can be said for checking your Google Photos or Amazon Photo accounts. Anything you upload can be seen by the person you’re trying to get away from.

Check Your Computer Regularly for Processes You Don’t Recognize

Stealth technology isn’t necessary to access your gadgets. Your laptop, desktop, tablet, and phone can all be accessed with the right app and the right person using it. And you will never know. “Oh Robin, then how do you know?” Because years ago, I took my laptop to someone who knew what they were doing, and they showed me programs providing access. I was being watched at his whim. Whenever I was using my laptop or even my phone.

Go under your processes in Task Manager:

Go through the processes. Do any look like they don’t belong? They may need to go. I’m not a computer expert. I only know what I’ve learned from trusted experts. Use some common sense and Google processes you don’t recognize.

Be Prepared to Feel Like You No Longer Know Who Your Friends and Family Are

Abusers don’t always have a record. They don’t always get caught. You most likely know that better than anyone. Because they mask up to interact with the world, they create a bit of a buffer. People don’t want to believe what’s being said so they automatically blame the victim in some way. Just be ready for it. It can even be your family members. It’s hard. It’s okay to process it and cry, but you need to always work on moving on.

Document, Document, Document

Create a Google account under a fake name. You can use it to store documentation related to your claim. You can keep copies of police reports, pictures of bruises, or other documentation safely with a very trusted person, but do make sure you have at least two digital back ups for your documentation.

Be Ready to Own the Block Button

The mute and block buttons are going to be your best friend. It won’t feel like it — it’ll feel more like your world is closing in. No, you’re protecting yourself and your peace. This doesn’t have to mean you have to be a jerk. I’m a “be nice until it’s time to not be nice” type of person. I am still social media and “hey how are you?” in passing with the ex-husband’s family. Not all of them, mind you. Just the ones with brains and not marbles clogging up their skulls.

Change Your Social Media Settings

I get it: social media = big dopamine…or getting your vibe killed by doomscrolling. Stop doomscrolling, by the way. And thanks to Instagram, Facebook, and the Site Formerly Known as Twitter, we ca n use social media to find our tribe, so to speak. We want to curate great online look at our lives and that we’re still thriving despite what’s happening. Yet, it truly is in your best interest that you privatize your accounts and still be very careful about what you do or say.

Use 2FA on all logins. Look, I know it’s a pain and, again, like getting slapped when we haven’t done anything wrong. To keep your accounts as your accounts, use a two-factor authentication service. Google has one that integrates with Facebook and other websites/ Txt authentication is also a great way to go as long as only you have access to your phone. You can also set up a secret email account where you can email authentication codes to yourself if necessary.

Understand How Keyloggers Work

Keyloggers are inexpensive and easy to deploy to your laptop or even phone. A keylogger records every keystroke made and delivers the results to the person who deployed it. I couldn’t figure out for years how he keeps getting into my accounts, during our marriage, I always logged out. I always emptied my history to be safe. The answer was keylogger.

I got around that emailing myself a list of passwords in a certain order…then I’d copy and paste those in so the keylogger would only record “ctrl c” ad “ctrl v.”

Again, talk with someone knowledgeable (be prepared to not be taken seriously at first) to help find and remove such a service on the laptop or smartphone.

Yes, He Could Be Watching — No, You May Not Know

I am the person who constantly keeps their webcam covered. It’s not for Zoom pirates, either! It’s the fact that I once had what I call “peekaboo” problems with the laptop. It turned out, he could see or hear me without my knowing it. This was, again, over a decade ago. Technology has grown in leaps and bounds. I can only imagine that it’s more advanced in this area than ever.

You’re Not Alone

This is still a harsh reality check. Did you know that 1 in 3 women are walking the same road with you. That’s 35.6% of women according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can find the stats for your state by using Google. On the plus side, you may feel alone, but you’re not. Other people in similar situations now or in the past are here to help you. Reach out to a domestic violence advocate in your area.